A while back, I got a piece published by The American Enterprise Institute’s Initiative on Faith & Public Life on the topic of election interference and the importance of integrity, and ever since then, I’ve been thinking about integrity in the more particular, personal sense.

What it is…

Why it’s important…

AND!

How to determine whether or not you have it.

I’ve been struggling with how I’d go about articulating that last bit, but I finally got some help from none other than the guardian of lost souls…

The powerful…

The pleasurable…

The indestructible Mushu.

I grin every time I watch that.

Anyways!

While Mushu might have rightly earned a smack for that comment, his claim of having X-ray vision got me thinking about the layers that make up human beings, and I think a lot of having integrity has to do with what someone would see if they could look straight through you and/or me.

If you think that’s an impossibility, you should know that internationally renowned synthetic organic chemist and one of my personal heroes, Dr. James Tour, is confident that in less than 50 years, scientists will be able to hook up and project a person’s inner thoughts onto a screen for all to see.

…

Exciting.

And so to prepare for that lovely eventuality, this week, I want to talk about how to assess and address the three major things—or layers, so to speak—that I think determine integrity:

1. Declarations
2. Demonstrations
3. Desires

My hope is that by going through all three, we might be able to better see whether or not we have “3D integrity,” and if not, we’ll be able to fix that before people start hooking us up to giant projector screens.

Layer #1: Declarations

The first of the three layers that I want to discuss are our declarations since, as the most outward facing, they are the easiest to see.

That is, people don’t need to be able to mind read in order to grasp what we say or share publicly.

It’s all out there for anyone and everyone to hear or read.

However!

The difficult thing about declarations is that they don’t always reflect what we believe.

I read Oscar Wilde’s The Picture of Dorian Gray a few months ago (which, if you haven’t read it, has some of the most beautiful prose), and while I really liked the story as a whole, there was one character I wanted to punch straight in the face from pretty much the first moment he appeared on the page.

Lord Henry Wotton.

For why?

Well, beyond the simple fact that he’s an inveterate cad and terrible friend, he also frequently doesn’t really mean what he says.

Another character in the book, Basil, actually calls him out on this, saying,

“I don’t agree with a single word that you have said, and, what is more, Harry, I feel sure you don’t either.”

Now, while Lord Henry is shown to be a regular bon vivant who seems to take pleasure in just saying bombastic/irreverent things, at one point, he also touches on what I think is actually the main cause of people declaring things they don’t actually believe.

“We think that we are generous because we credit our neighbor with the possession of those virtues that are likely to be a benefit to us. We praise the banker that we may overdraw our account and find good qualities in the highway man in the hope that he may spare our pockets.”

For all my dislike of him, I think that here, Lord Henry is spitting straight facts about our proclivity to curate our declarations based on how we want other people to see us or act.

And in that respect, our declarations can very easily become a means to manipulate and/or deceive, and that’s really not good if you want to be someone who lives with integrity.

Luke 6:45 says, “Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks,” and if your tongue is informed by manipulation and deceit, that’s a good indicator that you are not living with integrity.

And that’s going to catch up with you eventually.

As the great Soren Kierkegaard said,

“Do you not know that there comes a midnight hour when everyone has to throw off his mask? Do you believe that life will always let itself be mocked? Do you think you can slip away a little before midnight in order to avoid this? Or are you not terrified by it?”

For people whose declarations are not reflective of what they actually think, they’re playing a waiting game with the rest of humanity because it’s been my experience that people are never permanently deceived.

Because we don’t only listen or read.

We also watch.

And that brings me to the second layer of 3D integrity.

Layer #2: Demonstrations

When I was little, one of my favorite TV shows was What Would You Do? with John Quinones.

If you haven’t seen the show, the basic gist is a hidden camera crew films ordinary people reacting to a whole slew of situations.

Someone stealing a bike.

An interracial couple being harassed.

A baby that’s been left in a hot car.

Etc. etc.

I always thought it was interesting to see how people would act when they didn’t know they had an audience, and unsurprisingly, the people who intervened were typically few and far between.

And yet…

When those who didn’t intervene were questioned, they almost always agreed they should have done something and would certainly do so at the next opportunity.

And to that, little Sarah would point at the screen and crow, “BALONEY!”

Now, I’m a lot more charitable these days, but the question remains…

Why the change of heart?

Typically, their failure to act and John Quinones’ questioning weren’t that far apart.

Why now that their face is on a television screen do they seem so eager to clear up the record and say that next time–next time!–they will do something?

I submit it has to do with a lack of integrity.

See, the Latin word integritas, denotes soundness, wholeness, completeness.

If you are sound, whole, complete, it won’t matter who is or isn’t looking your way.

You will behave the same.

Your demonstration will be an outward expression of an inward conviction, and that isn’t going to change whether or not there’s a camera and/or John Quinones in your face.

And listen…

Sometimes we need other people’s watching eyes to make us behave better than we would otherwise.

Speaking for myself, accountability can and often does make me better–that’s true.

HOWEVER!

I firmly believe that if you take your cues solely from what you think the watching world wants from you, sooner or later, you’re going to find yourself doing something you really don’t want to do.

I just finished The Things They Carried by Tim O’Brien which centers on the Vietnam War, and early on, he captures something of this, writing,

“They carried their reputations. They carried the soldier’s greatest fear, which was the fear of blushing. Men killed, and died, because they were embarrassed not to. It was what had brought them to the war in the first place, nothing positive, no dreams of glory or honor, just to avoid the blush of dishonor. They died so as not to die of embarrassment.”

The censure of a community is an incredibly powerful thing.

John Quinones may be nice, but the rest of the world can be downright mean.

Indeed, the threat of being ridiculed and ostracized can very easily tempt you to go against what you believe.

I’ve got a separate piece on my experience with that if you want to read.

But here’s the thing.

If you’re living with integrity…

If you are sound, whole, and complete…

It won’t matter who is watching you OR the potential penalty.

You will want to live out what you believe.

And that brings me to the final and innermost layer of 3D integrity.

Layer #3: Desires

This final layer is the one that is the most difficult to see (pending those Orwellian projector screens).

And yet, if you ask me, it’s probably the most personally significant piece of having integrity.

Because you can say what you believe.

You can even behave accordingly.

But if your interior desires are in conflict with what you’re declaring and demonstrating externally, you will be heading down a path of abject and utter misery.

Because what you’ll have then isn’t integrity–it’s duty.

I’ve written before about why I don’t see duty as a particularly compelling way to orient your life, so rather than rehashing that, I thought I’d use Mulan as an illustration.

We started with Mushu, so it seems appropriate.

See, at the beginning of the movie, Mulan is trying her best to talk and walk like the “perfect bride.”

Her declarations and demonstrations are sincere and aligned, but despite this, it is very clear that she is not happy with her life.

She doesn’t actually want to be a perfect bride.

She’s trying to do her daughterly duty, but it isn’t what she wants inside.

Indeed, it’s pretty clear that she feels trapped in her life.

And see, that’s the thing.

If you feel trapped, that’s a good sign you don’t have true integrity yet.

Because unlike duty, integrity isn’t imprisoning.

It’s liberating.

See, if you actually want to declare and demonstrate what you believe…

If your desires are in line with your words and deeds…

You will be sound, whole, complete.

You will be, in a word, free.

That’s why I think getting a better understanding of our desires is essential not only for integrity but also for our flourishing.

And to that end, I think when it comes to our desires, C.S. Lewis put it best when he said,

“It seems our Lord finds our desires not too strong but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures mucking about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered to us! Like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in the street, incapable of understanding what is meant by a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.“

I completely agree.

I fully believe that the issue with our desires is usually not that they are wicked or wrong, it’s that they are too weak.

Indeed, it’s all too easy to get caught up in the obvious things but never actually get to the heart of what we need.

Friends, I can’t say for sure what the deepest desires of your heart are, but if you’re anything like me, I suspect that you want at least some of these things:

Love.

Joy.

Justice.

Mercy.

Security.

Identity.

Purpose.

Truth.

Intimacy.

Peace.

If you click on the links, you’ll see that all of those things are available in my man JC.

Truly, I don’t like being too prescriptive, but personally, I can tell you that when I discovered that everything I deep down really wanted was found in Jesus, my life changed completely.

Jesus is honestly the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I just want Him more than anything, which has really done wonders for my integrity!

Because now my declarations and demonstrations are an outpouring of an inward reality.

In short, I’ve got integrity generated from the inside out.

The King of All Creation holds my heart, directs hands, and informs my mouth.

And while I don’t always do things perfectly, by and large, I no longer speak to manipulate or deceive.

I don’t act based upon the smiles or censure of the watching community.

And I 100% don’t live in dutiful misery.

And hey, you may not believe what I believe (though, if you’re at all curious about Jesus, please, please reach out to me), but regardless, I do hope this piece helped you think a bit about your declarations, demonstrations, and desires, and ultimately, has helped you see whether or not you have 3D integrity!

That’s all for this week!

If you want to support me, please subscribe and share.

It costs you nothing!

It’s just nice to know I have readers out there 🙂

“Delight yourself in the Lord,
    and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord;
    trust in Him, and He will act.
He will bring forth your righteousness as the light,
    and your justice as the noonday.” Psalm 37:4-6

Hi friends.

It’s been a minute.

So sorry for being MIA, but I’ve been doing some rather intense soul searching as of late in a bid to discern whether or not I should keep Cultiv8ing Character going.

For why?

Well, a number of things, but a biggie is that I’ve had a number of conversations in the last few weeks which have revealed to me that I am not nearly as articulate/as good of a communicator as I need to be, and as a result, I’ve become increasingly wary of saying/writing/sharing anything for fear that it may be unhelpful, unclear, unkind, and/or unnecessary.

But!

A few people recently let me know that they do actually find some of the things I share helpful and have missed hearing from me, so I’m dipping my toe back in this week to share three key things that have (thus far) been helpful for me when it comes to having conversations that are kinder, gentler, and life-giving.

And they are…

1. Self-Censorship
2. Knowing My Conversationalist(s)
3. Keeping My Eyes On Relation-ships

So if you, like me have found yourself having conversations go poorly as of late, please feel free to read 🙂

1. Self-Censorship

If you don’t know this about me, I am an external processor (i.e. I have to talk/write in order to think).

Unfortunately, when it comes to conversing with another human being, a problem with external processing is sometimes (often) I say things without thinking.

Now, I don’t like conflict generally, but I especially don’t like it when it’s a result of me speaking impetuously or thoughtlessly, so I’ve been doing my best to curb my external processor and practice self-censoring.

Pray for me.

Shutting up does not come naturally 🙂

HOWEVER!

The fruits of the Spirit (per Galatians 5:22-23) are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control, and I’m constantly reminding myself that through Christ, all things, including shutting up, are possible.

However, if you ask me, self-censorship–at its best–isn’t only about self-control.

It’s also about discerning what is good, what is true, and what is honorable.

In 1 Corinthians 10:23, Paul writes, “All things are permissible, but not all things are good. All things are permissible, but not all things build up.”

And see, when it comes to conversing with another human being, I think that’s such an important principle to keep in mind because while we have the ability to say anything we like, we also have a responsibility to discern what speaks life.

Put another way, in the 1993 Jurassic Park movie, Dr. Ian Malcolm (AKA Jeff Goldblum) notes,

“Scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”

The results were… not good.

And if you ask me, a failure to ask ourselves that question of could vs. should in conversation often goes similarly poorly.

I mean, when I think back to all the conversations I’ve had that have devolved into arguments, I can almost always identify a point where I should’ve stopped myself and said:

“Okay. I know I could say that. In fact, it would probably feel really freaking good to say that. But should I say that?”

Nine times out of ten, the answer is “no,” but because I didn’t stop to ask myself that question, we get:

And that’s just really not desirable.

So, again.

If you find yourself struggling to have pleasant conversations, I highly, highly recommend trying some self-censorship.

2. Know Your Conversationalist(s)

For those of you who don’t know, I’m currently in the process of writing a Young Adult low-fantasy novel.

Let me just say, fiction writing is a ride, and I frequently have days where I go from “I am absolutely brilliant” to “Wow. Yo soy total idiot.”

Anyways!

If you check out fiction writing advice sites, one tip you will almost always get is make sure you know your characters.

A-freaking-men.

I personally think that’s the best fiction writing advice there is because, friends, I speak from experience when I say if you try to write a character you don’t know or understand, they will make absolutely no sense, and you will be left feeling annoyed and frustrated.

And here’s the thing.

I think the same principle applies to real-life human beings.

I, for one, have definitely had interactions, particularly conversations, where I’ve felt like the other person is making absolutely no sense, and what I’ve come to see is that almost universally what this means is I don’t know them well enough yet.

Specifically, I’m missing something that would explain why they are saying strange things or acting in a way I find frustrating.

In the writing world, this missing piece is called backstory or character history, and it informs everything.

Think Severus Snape being in love with Lily.

Will Hunting being abused as a boy.

Edmond Dantes being betrayed by his friends and fiancé.

Without knowing a character’s–and, I submit, a conversationalist’s–backstory, when they do or say something with which we disagree, it can be really difficult to see them sympathetically and far, far easier to simply write them off as unintelligent, malicious, and/or annoying.

I’ve certainly fallen into that trap in the past, but the process of fiction writing has shown me the importance of knowing someone’s backstory, and to that end, I really, really like this quote by John Steinbeck:

“Try to understand men, if you understand each other you will be kind to each other. Knowing a man well never leads to hate and nearly always leads to love.”

And so, if you, like me, have ever found yourself getting frustrated or annoyed with another person you think is not making any sense, I recommend considering if maybe, you just don’t know their whole story yet.

3. Keep Your Eyes On The Relation-ship

Ever since sixth grade Language Arts with Sycamore School’s incomparable Ms. Mary O’Malley, I have enjoyed looking into the roots of words and their meanings.

I just find it really interesting.

I particularly like doing this with words that are frequently used because getting to the actual roots, I’ve found, at least for me, can rescue truth from familiarity.

I think this is the case with “conversation.“

If you look up the dictionary definition, you’ll get something like this:

“A talk, especially an informal one, between two or more people, in which news and ideas are exchanged.”

However, broken into its constituent root words:

con (together)

vers (turning)

-tion (the state of)

And arranged to avoid a dangling preposition, we get:

“The state of turning together.”

And see, I think that provides much more insight into what a conversation can and should be because, if you ask me, a conversation is not merely about exchanging information–it’s about learning to turn–to navigate–a ship.

A relation-ship, to be specific, and the people on board are you and your conversationalist(s).

Friends, I know it’s cheesy, but I’ve found that thinking of conversations this way has really changed the game for me because, previously, I had a lot of conversations where I got to port looking like this:

I’d jettisoned my conversationalist(s) and nearly sunk the ship.

For why?

Well, a myriad of reasons, but high and chief was my commitment to telling the truth, no matter the consequences.

Now, I’m in no way saying telling the truth is bad, but the manner in which I did it tended to blow holes in the deck.

In brief, I was so busy trying to direct the ship that I didn’t have my eyes on it, and the end result was basically the titanic.

Now, I like to think I’ve come a long way since then, but there are definitely still conversations where, convinced I am correct, I start to lose sight of relationships.

And during those instances, the most helpful thing for me to do is remind myself of Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians 1-2:

“If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.“

I can be 100% correct–a bona fide prophetess–but if I’m spouting facts without loving my conversationalist(s), it counts for zip, which, at least for me, is a solid incentive to keep my eyes on my relationships.

That’s all for this week!

If you want to support me, please subscribe and share 🙂

It costs nothing, but it’s just nice to know I have readers out there!

Ten years ago (prior to tweens and toddlers all having iPhones), there was pretty much nothing to do on a 35-minute drive to school except listen to the radio.

I mean, yes, some of my friends had the fancy cars with DVD players built into the ceiling/headrests, but my parents were trying to teach my sister and me how to live with disappointment.

So we had SiriusXM.

But don’t worry!

We made the most of it.

See, everyday for 35 minutes either way, we would listen to the same show on radio:

Animal Farm hosted by Kenny Curtis.

It was a great show and is apparently still operational!

But the more relevant fact is that we could call in and make song requests, and there were a handful of songs that were veritable kryptonite to my dad.

I bet you can guess which songs we’d request.

Sorry, not sorry, Dad 🙂

Anyways!

One of the songs he absolutely could not stand was Mr. Lonely (The Alvin & The Chipmunks Rendition).

The moment it came on, he’d start groaning,

“No! No. Nooooo…”

And nine times out of ten, he’d turn off the radio.

Now, whatever you think of the song, when it comes to the prospect of being Mr./Ms. Lonely, most people’s response is similarly visceral.

No!

No.

Nooooo…

Most everyone I know recoils at the thought of being left dancing on their own, which isn’t all that surprising given that in Genesis 2:18, God says,

“It is not good for man to be alone.”

Being Mr./Ms. Lonely is not the goal.

And so!

This week, I want to discuss three of the most prevalent ways loneliness manifests today (physically, experientially, relationally) and offer some steps you can take to ensure that, in every case, Mr./Ms. Lonely is not your name.

#1 Physical Loneliness

If you’ve ever seen Shawshank Redemption, you know the place you do not want to go is “The Hole.”

Solitary confinement is a special kind of miserable.

And yet, post-2020, there are now a lot more people who know what it is like to literally be alone.

I recently saw a twitter thread wherein a single man shared how crippling quarantine in the UK has been for him, particularly the physical loneliness, and golly gosh, it made we want to cry.

Now, in normal times, the solution to this would be simple:

Get out there and mingle!

However, I’ve been trying to think of evergreen advice that you can try even in pandemic times, and I’ve come up with this:

If you’re feeling physically lonely, try to diversify your love languages.

I first learned about Dr. Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages in high school, and if you don’t know what your preferred way of giving/receiving love is, I highly recommend you take this quick online quiz.

Personally, I’ve long been tied between physical touch and quality time, so not being able to freely hug or be with the people I love has been a bumpy ride.

HOWEVER!

It’s also forced me to more seriously explore and practice Chapman’s other three love languages:

Words of affirmation.

Giving/receiving gifts.

Acts of service.

For words of affirmation, I’ve been writing a ton of long overdue thank you notes and calling family/friends with the explicit goal of encouraging them.

For gifts, I’ve given out a ridiculous number of Trinity Forum Gift Memberships. I couldn’t help myself–TTF’s Readings and Conversations are so freaking rich.

And for acts of service, I’ve been helping friends edit applications, essays, cover letters, and briefs. It’s been a great way to catch up with them, and if you like to read/write, I highly recommend it!

All that to say, diversifying my love languages has really helped me deal with feelings of isolation and physical loneliness because while I might not be able to freely touch my friends’ or family’s hands, I can still touch their hearts.

I can still touch their minds.

I can still touch their lives.

So if you, like me, have lately felt physically lonely, I recommend you check out Chapman and try to diversify your love languages!

#2 Experiential Loneliness

Over the summer, I read a book called Song for A Whale by Lynne Kelly.

The story follows a 12-year-old deaf girl, Iris, after she learns about Blue-55, a whale who communicates at a unique hertz level and can’t be understood by other whales, earning him the title “the loneliest whale in the world.”

It was a really, really sweet story, but more than that, it was incredibly helpful for me when it comes to reflecting on what it means to be experientially lonely.

See, both Iris and Blue-55 have unique experiences of life.

Her deafness and his communicative challenges make it so that even in a room (or sea) full of people (or fish), both feel alone.

And that is #relatable.

If you’ve been here for long, you’ll know that two big parts of my story are chronic sickness and addiction, and while those are certainly not unique to me, they aren’t common in my immediate friends or family.

Now, hear me.

God has blessed me with the most amazing family and friends. I do not know what I would do without them! But for a really long time, I struggled with feelings of loneliness.

While I wouldn’t wish chronic sickness or addiction on anybody (certainly not my friends or family!), there have 100% been moments where I thought to myself,

“They don’t get it. They don’t understand. They’re trying to help, but it’s just alien to them.”

And it made me really sad.

HOWEVER!

Those days are largely in the past because about half a year ago I realized that a lot of the loneliness I felt stemmed from consistently feeling like I was on the outs of an invitation.

See, due to my health problems and history of addiction, a lot of the activities enjoyed by my family and friends are things I simply can’t partake in, and even if they want me to go, I often have to say, “no.”

But here’s the thing I’ve come to see that’s really, really helped me:

Whatever experiences are unique to me or you, they don’t preclude us from issuing invitations too!

For example, one of my favorite things to do is read, and thus, I’ve started asking people to do book-swaps and buddy reads with me.

I recommend it.

Highly.

But even if you aren’t keen on book-swaps or buddy-reading, you can issue an invitation for just about anything!

And believe me, creating a shared experience does a lot to combat experiential loneliness, and while the people you love may not be able to get or understand your life 100% of the time, you can at least take the initiative to bring them into the parts you like.

#3 Relational Loneliness

For the last three weeks, one of my dearest friends in the whole wide world has been staying with me, and I’m already emo at the thought of her leaving.

Seriously.

I’ve unilaterally declared our friendship song to be “Evermore” from the live action Beauty & The Beast.

She’s Belle.

I’m The Beast.

Anyways!

We were talking the other night about all sorts of things from the masterpiece that is The Princess & The Frog to philosophical debates about condoms, and during a lull in the conversation, I just had to express how very grateful I am that God gave me such a friend.

You see, having now lived with me for almost a month (she’s got two more weeks to go–pray for her!), she knows how truly “coo-coo banana pants” I am, and unlike Belle, she hasn’t run away.

…

Yet.

In all seriousness, though, she’s someone who has seen the dark (and I mean dark) parts of my heart and still loves me the same.

That is so incredibly rare today, and I fully acknowledge I’ve been supremely blessed because so many people I know struggle with feeling unknown and unloved (AKA relational loneliness).

I’ve been trying to figure out why this is for a while, and presently, I think it’s due to two main things:

Our unwillingness to let people in AND a belief that if we did, they’d run screaming in the other direction or wouldn’t care/be interested.

Both are poison to forming deep relationships, and yet I recently finished reading The Wedding Date by Jasmine Guillory, where the main character, Alexa, expresses those exact sentiments when explaining why she did a runner on her love interest:

“I was scared I’d lay myself bare for nothing, and I was scared I would reveal my whole self to him and he would avert his eyes.”

I’d hazard a guess and bet most of us have felt like that at least once in our lives.

It’s terrifying to reveal our hearts, particularly the dark parts, and risk another’s rejection or indifference and far easier to retreat into the relative safety of casual sex, work/school acquaintances, and utility-based relationships.

But oh friends…

That’s a life of loneliness.

Unofficial Protestant Pope Tim Keller puts it like this:

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.”

Amen.

Amen. Amen. Amen.

So, friends, if you’re struggling with relational loneliness, ask yourself,

“Does anyone know the dark parts of my heart and still love me the same?”

If not, is it because you’re afraid to put your whole heart on display?

Or is it because you’ve already done that and had someone walk away?

In either case, I want to encourage you today with the fact that there is a God out there who knows everything you’ve ever said, thought, or done and still sent His Son to die on a cross so that you could be made clean.

I guarantee He won’t walk away from you for anything.

He wants you just like He wants sick, broken, sinful me for eternity.

The last–absolute last–thing He wants is for us to be lonely.

That’s all for this week!

If you want to support me, please subscribe and share 🙂

It costs nothing, but it’s just nice to know I have readers out there!

“If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear.” 1 John 4:15-18

If you are or have ever been a college student, you know that this time of the year is a bundle of rest and stress.

Rest because of the holidays.

Stress because final papers and exams are incoming.

Now, I’m on a MLOA so I don’t technically have any papers to write or exams to sit, but I’ve got a lot of friends who are in the thick of it.

One friend in particular has a 20 page+ whopper of a paper coming due on Alexis de Tocqueville, and she already knows this, but I am praying for you!

Because last spring I had a 20 page-er to write, and it low key made me want to die.

But take heart because that paper turned out alright!

You can actually read it here if you’re in the mood to vicariously poke a few naturalistic scientists in the eye.

ANYWAYS.

Thinking about and praying for all my dear friends in finals land brought to mind something I’ve been wanting to write about for a very long time, and it is this:

The value and importance of citing your sources.

I’m not even kidding.

Friends, citing your sources is of the utmost importance!

For why?

Well…

1. It gives credit where credit is due.
2. It helps you recall the sources you used.
3. It prevents plagiarism (i.e. taking credit for things you didn’t do).

AND HERE’S THE THING.

These reasons for citing your sources apply not only to papers but to life in general.

And if you ask me, they’re seriously beneficial.

So today, I want to discuss why it’s both worthwhile and important to sit down and cite your sources.

1. It Gives Credit Where Credit Is Due.

A little over a week ago, a friend of mine sent me an email with an excerpt from an essay she’d written wherein she mentioned me.

Yeah. I know.

I’m not going to front.

I was a little bit scared to read because Lord knows there’s a lot someone could say about me–much of it not particularly flattering, especially since she knew pre-Cultiv8ing Character me.

However!

This friend is an absolute sweetheart, and the excerpt was so freaking encouraging.

To be clear, it wasn’t like she waxed poetic about me or anything.

It was just a reflection on how our friendship had helped her practice diplomacy.

*grins.*

Friends, she is most definitely the diplomat in our relationship.

In all seriousness, though, I doubt she could’ve guessed just how much reading her words meant to me.

Generally speaking, I don’t think we grasp how life-giving acknowledging someone for the good they do or the positive way they’ve impacted us can be.

After all, how much can a citation really mean?

I’ll just say that personally, an encouraging word from another friend a little over a year ago was the difference between life and death for me.

So yes, I know it can be a bit of a hassle to identify good things in another human being, reflect on how they have affected you personally, and then express both things clearly.

BUT!

In the case of both people and papers, I think citations are well worth the effort because giving credit where you think credit is due is saying,

“I see something worthwhile in you.”

And golly gosh, friends, that’s something we’ve got to do.

I mean, Hebrews 10:24 says we’re meant to spur one another on and encourage one another to love and good deeds, and to that end, a citation, a shout out, a word of encouragement can be just what the people in our lives need.

And here’s the crazy thing!

Giving credit where credit is due is not only good for the person you’re citing.

It’s also good for you.

2. It Helps You Recall The Sources You Used.

If you know me, you know I love to read.

In fact, my childhood dream was to have a Beauty & The Beast-esque library.

Lowkey still a dream.

However!

I fully recognize that a library that big would have WAY more books than I could ever read, and in the past, I’ve struggled to keep track of the books I’ve read already!

See, I don’t know about you, but I forget things.

Frequently.

Goodreads says I’ve read a book, and I’m like,

Could not tell you what’s inside the pages to save my life.

But apparently, this isn’t just a me thing!

According to a fair bit of research, it only takes ONE MONTH for most people to forget 90% of something they’ve read/heard/watched/experienced/etc.

One month and 90% is just poof!

Gone.

Is that not absurd?

I think it’s absurd, but take heart because the fix for this is pretty straightforward!

Common sense and experts concur that the best safeguard against the so-called “forgetfulness curve” is repeated exposure.

Now, I’m sure most of us do not have the time to recollect and rehash everything we’ve ever read/heard/watched/experienced/etc.

HOWEVER!

I think it behooves us to earmark and cite the major contributors.

Personally, I keep a running document of book quotes, poetry, movie clips, lyrics, Bible verses, and anecdotes that I find particularly funny, poignant, or interesting so I can cite them more easily.

And here’s the thing!

The more I cite them, the easier it is to recall and recite them verbatim (which, I have to admit, is a pretty neat party trick).

But more importantly!

Citing the things I’ve read/heard/watched/experienced/etc. hasn’t only improved my memory.

It’s humbled me.

Significantly.

Because I’m constantly reminded that innumerable sources have informed and poured into me, making what I do little more than repackaging.

Which brings me to reason #3 why citing your sources is a great, good thing!

3. It Prevents Plagiarism (i.e. Taking Credit for Things You Didn’t Do).

Last month, I was listening to a talk by Oxford Professor Emeritus and triple doctorate John Lennox wherein he said,

“You know, scientists of all people ought to be very humble. Have you noticed–I hope you have–that scientists did not create the universe? No–they didn’t put it there! And you know another thing, they didn’t create the human brain! They study a given with a given, so they ought to be very humble people… We are nothing but what we have been given.”

That, my friends, is a hot take.

Claiming we are nothing but what we have been given in an age when being “self-made” is all the rage is not a very PC thing to say.

But I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately.

Like a lot, a lot.

Not least because I recently found an IQ assessment I had in pre-K which put me in the “very superior intelligence” category.

Now, my IQ has clearly declined precipitously, but the more important point is that at the tender age of three, I’d done nothing to earn or deserve that designation.

Trust me.

I had absolutely no role in my supposedly “very superior intelligence” unless there is a hitherto unknown positive relationship between IQ and sticking crayons in expensive electronics.

Rather, my mind–indeed my life–was and is a gift.

I can’t take credit for it.

And that, friends, is so freaking important yet all too easy to forget.

It’s incredibly tempting to take credit for our gifts, especially when we’ve slaved over their development, but last I checked, you still have to cite your paper’s sources no matter how hard you worked on it.

See, in the end, citing your sources comes down to acknowledging two things:

Origin and ownership.

When you fail to cite, what you’re saying is

“I did this. This is mine.”

Instead of gratitude what you’ve got is an attitude.

Plagiarism is, after all, ultimately an issue of pride.

We think we can get away with that lie.

We won’t get caught.

It’ll be totally fine.

Taking credit for something you didn’t do isn’t even that big of a deal, right?

I suggest you ask the person you plagiarized.

See what they say.

I have a niggling suspicion it won’t be “Okay!”

All that to say,

Giving credit where credit is due…

Recalling the sources that have poured into you…

And not taking credit for things you didn’t do…

Are, if you ask me, really good life rules because while our gifts are presently ours to use (or abuse), I believe there is a capital G Gifter we are ultimately accountable to.

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will leave this life. The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.” –Job 1:21

That’s all for this week!

If you want to support me, please subscribe and share 🙂

It costs nothing, but it’s just nice to know I have readers out there!

Last week, a friend and I had what could best be termed a “confession session” wherein we talked about sin, the super-annoying fact that it just doesn’t quit, and the specific ways in which we had recently given into it.

It was a necessary discussion, and I left feeling humbled, encouraged, and, most importantly, determined.

Because that conversation was both a chance to start fresh–a reset–and a really good reminder that no matter how far I’ve come, I must–must!–remain vigilant because sin and Satan are wickedly persistent, and if I open the door, they’ll drag me right back to where I was before.

No, gracias.

And so this week, I wanted to talk about three things to keep in mind to ensure you don’t regress in life!

They are, in brief:

1. You’re Not A Dog
2. Don’t Be A Sisyphus
3. No Abusive Relationships

Let’s begin!

#1 You’re Not A Dog

You probably wouldn’t guess this about me, but once upon a time, I full on sobbed for four hours until my mom agreed to get me a puppy.

As a result, for the last twelve years, this nugget has been a part of my family.

I feel like we have the same dichotomous energy.

Anyways!

Over the years, there have been many memorable moments where he’s concerned, some of which include daring over/under the fence escape attempts, demonic possession, and fights with lawn ornaments.

But if there’s one memory that’s indelibly pressed into my mind, it would be the time he puked all over the place, and before I could clean it up, he was re-stuffing his face.

“APOLLO, NO!” I cried, trying to pull him away.

But it was too late.

The vomit had returned to its former place.

Now, apparently when it comes to dogs, eating vomit is not at all strange.

Which is one of many reasons why I believe the difference between species is a difference in kind rather than degree.

If I start eating my own vomit, please check on me.

Seriously.

That is not normal for a human being.

And yet…

From what I can see, eating one’s own vomit is not as uncommon as it should be.

At least if you ask me.

See, I don’t know about you, but I’ve met many, many people who, having made themselves physically, emotionally, and/or mentally sick through a pattern of behavior or a particular relationship, still return to it.

Again.

And again.

And again.

Friends.

Proverbs 26:11 says,

“Like a dog that returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly.”

If that isn’t the truth, I don’t know what is.

And yet, who among us has not returned to things which have made us sick?

For fifteen years, I certainly did.

And let me tell you, I do not recommend it.

Vomit doesn’t taste any better the second time around, so if you’ve managed to get what’s making you sick out, I highly, highly encourage you to leave it on the ground.

And the next time you come across the thing that made you sick, do not–I repeat not–put it in your mouth.

#2 Don’t Be A Sisyphus

When I was in elementary school, I was obsessed–obsessed!–with Greek mythology.

It was fascinating to me, and one of the first pieces of fiction I ever wrote was a self-insert reimagining of the story of Persephone wherein I overthrew Hades and became Queen.

Actually.

I even wrote out punishments to add to the Underworld that I thought were particularly genius and unique such as the Pit of Eternal Tickling whose lone occupant was my little sister Sophie.

Anyways!

Last week, a picture popped up on my twitter feed, and because of my aforementioned familiarity with Greek mythology, I recognized the figure immediately.

Friends, meet Sisyphus.

If you aren’t familiar with him, Sisyphus was the King of Corinth who twice cheated death and was condemned to roll a boulder up a hill for eternity as his punishment.

This is the account recorded in the Odyssey:

“Then I witnessed the torture of Sisyphus, as he wrestled with a huge rock with both hands. Bracing himself and thrusting with hands and feet he pushed the boulder uphill to the summit. But every time, as he was about to send it toppling over the crest, its sheer weight turned it back, and once again towards the plain the pitiless rock rolled down. So once more he had to wrestle with the thing and push it up, while the sweat poured from his limbs and the dust rose high above his head.” (Book 11.593)

Talk about a fate worse than death.

I bet he wished he could pitch himself over the edge rather than roll that rock up the hill again.

And yet…

There are a lot of people who live like Sisyphus.

There are a lot of people who, having dropped their rocks, work so hard to roll them again to the top only to once more let them drop–not even as a penalty but voluntarily.

And that’s a tragedy.

Because while it takes ages to get your rock to the summit, it only takes a second for it to plummet.

All your hard work can be undone in a moment.

One shrug–one slip–and that’s it…

Is it worth it?

My guess would be no.

And frankly, on principle, you really don’t want to be a Sisyphus because he’s got a long way to go.

#3 No Abusive Relationships

Recently, the internet has been having a series of apoplectic fits over the break-up make-up patterns of some high-profile and notoriously vicissitudinous celebrity relationships.

Everybody’s got an opinion.

Because, at least for the ones I’m thinking of, the core issue is the inability of one party to keep their pants zipped.

They just keep tripping into naked women.

Again.

And again…

And again…

Now, this may be a hot take, but I actually think that’s abusive because while tripping once might be a mistake, after a certain point, the tripper just clearly doesn’t care that they’re causing their partner pain.

They don’t care that they’re taking their partner’s love and trust and spitting directly in their face.

That’s not okay.

You don’t treat people that way.

And yet, that’s exactly what we do when we waste our resets in all–not just romantic–relationships.

In fact, our family and friends–the people who’ve wiped vomit off our face and/or helped us roll our rocks back into place–are typically the ones to whom we say,

“I don’t care that my mistake caused you pain. I’m going to do it again anyways!”

Not okay.

You don’t treat people–especially people who love you–that way.

And yet, we do it–I do it–everyday.

See, I believe there’s a man who died so I could be redeemed.

I believe He hung on a cross and bled for me.

“But He was pierced for our transgressions. He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed.” Isaiah 53:5

My reset wasn’t free, so when I waste it, I hurt the One who paid for me.

Which is… not a good thing.

In fact, as I said above, I think it’s an abusive thing.

But hey!

Even if you don’t believe like me, I think it’s still a good idea to ask…

Are there people you’re piercing when you waste your reset?

Are there people you’re crushing with pain and disappointment?

If the answer is yes, just… consider carefully whether you’re okay with being the abuser in that relationship.

That’s all for this week!

If you want to support me, please subscribe and share 🙂

It costs nothing, but it’s just nice to know I have readers out there!