Ten years ago (prior to tweens and toddlers all having iPhones), there was pretty much nothing to do on a 35-minute drive to school except listen to the radio.

I mean, yes, some of my friends had the fancy cars with DVD players built into the ceiling/headrests, but my parents were trying to teach my sister and me how to live with disappointment.

So we had SiriusXM.

But don’t worry!

We made the most of it.

See, everyday for 35 minutes either way, we would listen to the same show on radio:

Animal Farm hosted by Kenny Curtis.

It was a great show and is apparently still operational!

But the more relevant fact is that we could call in and make song requests, and there were a handful of songs that were veritable kryptonite to my dad.

I bet you can guess which songs we’d request.

Sorry, not sorry, Dad 🙂

Anyways!

One of the songs he absolutely could not stand was Mr. Lonely (The Alvin & The Chipmunks Rendition).

The moment it came on, he’d start groaning,

“No! No. Nooooo…”

And nine times out of ten, he’d turn off the radio.

Now, whatever you think of the song, when it comes to the prospect of being Mr./Ms. Lonely, most people’s response is similarly visceral.

No!

No.

Nooooo…

Most everyone I know recoils at the thought of being left dancing on their own, which isn’t all that surprising given that in Genesis 2:18, God says,

“It is not good for man to be alone.”

Being Mr./Ms. Lonely is not the goal.

And so!

This week, I want to discuss three of the most prevalent ways loneliness manifests today (physically, experientially, relationally) and offer some steps you can take to ensure that, in every case, Mr./Ms. Lonely is not your name.

#1 Physical Loneliness

If you’ve ever seen Shawshank Redemption, you know the place you do not want to go is “The Hole.”

Solitary confinement is a special kind of miserable.

And yet, post-2020, there are now a lot more people who know what it is like to literally be alone.

I recently saw a twitter thread wherein a single man shared how crippling quarantine in the UK has been for him, particularly the physical loneliness, and golly gosh, it made we want to cry.

Now, in normal times, the solution to this would be simple:

Get out there and mingle!

However, I’ve been trying to think of evergreen advice that you can try even in pandemic times, and I’ve come up with this:

If you’re feeling physically lonely, try to diversify your love languages.

I first learned about Dr. Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages in high school, and if you don’t know what your preferred way of giving/receiving love is, I highly recommend you take this quick online quiz.

Personally, I’ve long been tied between physical touch and quality time, so not being able to freely hug or be with the people I love has been a bumpy ride.

HOWEVER!

It’s also forced me to more seriously explore and practice Chapman’s other three love languages:

Words of affirmation.

Giving/receiving gifts.

Acts of service.

For words of affirmation, I’ve been writing a ton of long overdue thank you notes and calling family/friends with the explicit goal of encouraging them.

For gifts, I’ve given out a ridiculous number of Trinity Forum Gift Memberships. I couldn’t help myself–TTF’s Readings and Conversations are so freaking rich.

And for acts of service, I’ve been helping friends edit applications, essays, cover letters, and briefs. It’s been a great way to catch up with them, and if you like to read/write, I highly recommend it!

All that to say, diversifying my love languages has really helped me deal with feelings of isolation and physical loneliness because while I might not be able to freely touch my friends’ or family’s hands, I can still touch their hearts.

I can still touch their minds.

I can still touch their lives.

So if you, like me, have lately felt physically lonely, I recommend you check out Chapman and try to diversify your love languages!

#2 Experiential Loneliness

Over the summer, I read a book called Song for A Whale by Lynne Kelly.

The story follows a 12-year-old deaf girl, Iris, after she learns about Blue-55, a whale who communicates at a unique hertz level and can’t be understood by other whales, earning him the title “the loneliest whale in the world.”

It was a really, really sweet story, but more than that, it was incredibly helpful for me when it comes to reflecting on what it means to be experientially lonely.

See, both Iris and Blue-55 have unique experiences of life.

Her deafness and his communicative challenges make it so that even in a room (or sea) full of people (or fish), both feel alone.

And that is #relatable.

If you’ve been here for long, you’ll know that two big parts of my story are chronic sickness and addiction, and while those are certainly not unique to me, they aren’t common in my immediate friends or family.

Now, hear me.

God has blessed me with the most amazing family and friends. I do not know what I would do without them! But for a really long time, I struggled with feelings of loneliness.

While I wouldn’t wish chronic sickness or addiction on anybody (certainly not my friends or family!), there have 100% been moments where I thought to myself,

“They don’t get it. They don’t understand. They’re trying to help, but it’s just alien to them.”

And it made me really sad.

HOWEVER!

Those days are largely in the past because about half a year ago I realized that a lot of the loneliness I felt stemmed from consistently feeling like I was on the outs of an invitation.

See, due to my health problems and history of addiction, a lot of the activities enjoyed by my family and friends are things I simply can’t partake in, and even if they want me to go, I often have to say, “no.”

But here’s the thing I’ve come to see that’s really, really helped me:

Whatever experiences are unique to me or you, they don’t preclude us from issuing invitations too!

For example, one of my favorite things to do is read, and thus, I’ve started asking people to do book-swaps and buddy reads with me.

I recommend it.

Highly.

But even if you aren’t keen on book-swaps or buddy-reading, you can issue an invitation for just about anything!

And believe me, creating a shared experience does a lot to combat experiential loneliness, and while the people you love may not be able to get or understand your life 100% of the time, you can at least take the initiative to bring them into the parts you like.

#3 Relational Loneliness

For the last three weeks, one of my dearest friends in the whole wide world has been staying with me, and I’m already emo at the thought of her leaving.

Seriously.

I’ve unilaterally declared our friendship song to be “Evermore” from the live action Beauty & The Beast.

She’s Belle.

I’m The Beast.

Anyways!

We were talking the other night about all sorts of things from the masterpiece that is The Princess & The Frog to philosophical debates about condoms, and during a lull in the conversation, I just had to express how very grateful I am that God gave me such a friend.

You see, having now lived with me for almost a month (she’s got two more weeks to go–pray for her!), she knows how truly “coo-coo banana pants” I am, and unlike Belle, she hasn’t run away.

…

Yet.

In all seriousness, though, she’s someone who has seen the dark (and I mean dark) parts of my heart and still loves me the same.

That is so incredibly rare today, and I fully acknowledge I’ve been supremely blessed because so many people I know struggle with feeling unknown and unloved (AKA relational loneliness).

I’ve been trying to figure out why this is for a while, and presently, I think it’s due to two main things:

Our unwillingness to let people in AND a belief that if we did, they’d run screaming in the other direction or wouldn’t care/be interested.

Both are poison to forming deep relationships, and yet I recently finished reading The Wedding Date by Jasmine Guillory, where the main character, Alexa, expresses those exact sentiments when explaining why she did a runner on her love interest:

“I was scared I’d lay myself bare for nothing, and I was scared I would reveal my whole self to him and he would avert his eyes.”

I’d hazard a guess and bet most of us have felt like that at least once in our lives.

It’s terrifying to reveal our hearts, particularly the dark parts, and risk another’s rejection or indifference and far easier to retreat into the relative safety of casual sex, work/school acquaintances, and utility-based relationships.

But oh friends…

That’s a life of loneliness.

Unofficial Protestant Pope Tim Keller puts it like this:

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.”

Amen.

Amen. Amen. Amen.

So, friends, if you’re struggling with relational loneliness, ask yourself,

“Does anyone know the dark parts of my heart and still love me the same?”

If not, is it because you’re afraid to put your whole heart on display?

Or is it because you’ve already done that and had someone walk away?

In either case, I want to encourage you today with the fact that there is a God out there who knows everything you’ve ever said, thought, or done and still sent His Son to die on a cross so that you could be made clean.

I guarantee He won’t walk away from you for anything.

He wants you just like He wants sick, broken, sinful me for eternity.

The last–absolute last–thing He wants is for us to be lonely.

That’s all for this week!

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“If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear.” 1 John 4:15-18