I’m not sure if this is a Georgetown thing or what, but every month, they put up “Stall Seats” in the bathrooms.

These signs hold the secrets to life.

I kid. I kid.

At best, they tell you about the cheapest places to eat in D.C. which, to be fair, is a pretty impressive feat.

However, from time to time they try to give advice—frequently saying things that have me rolling my eyes.

But in February, I was this close to ripping the poster off the stall wall and Nancy Pelosi-ing it right down the middle.

I didn’t.

We say no to vandalism here on Cultiv8ing Character, but golly gosh was I tempted because printed on that sheet was some of the worst relationship advice I’d ever seen.

Still, I managed to abstain and allowed it to hang unbothered in every bathroom I encountered throughout the month of February.

But it’s March now.

The day of “Stall Seat” reckoning has arrived.

So what was it that had me so bothered on this seemingly innocuous sign?

Really just one line:

And to be fair, I was on board until the word “validates,” so lest you think I’m against shared power and respect, think again.

However, I am 100% opposed to the notion that a “healthy” relationship requires the validation of the other person’s “identities, feelings, and opinions.”

In fact, I would make a case that healthy relationships demand the exact opposite.

And I speak from personal experience.

See, the whole reason I started Cultiv8ing Character was that I was previously a pretty awful human being until a series of come-to-Jesus moments at the start of 2019.

I genuinely cringe thinking about who I was back then, and yet, had you asked me what I thought of myself, you would’ve gotten a pretty positive response on my end since I was well on my way to achieving my goal of becoming the Asian female version of Ben Shapiro.

That was my idealized state.

My final form.

And in order to achieve it, I basically hooked myself up to an IV of political commentary that encouraged me to make other people look, sound, and feel stupid.

That was fine by me.

I felt completely justified in tearing them down.

Publicly.

Privately.

Online.

In person.

It didn’t matter to me.

I didn’t care.

After all, if they couldn’t substantiate their arguments, they deserved to be rhetorically stripped, and if they couldn’t handle the heat, they didn’t belong in the kitchen.

Really, I was doing them a service.

Besides, “facts don’t care about your feelings,” and neither did I.

The haters were gonna hate, and I was ready to kick butt, take name, and make bank.

Friends, if it isn’t already painfully obvious, let me make this very clear:

The absolute last thing I needed was validation.

What I needed was a swift kick in the assumptions.

And luckily for me, I got it.

But that’s a story for another time.

Today, I want to focus on why “validation” is not the foundation of a healthy relationship.

Let’s begin.

First, A Definition:

Validate (verb): to make something officially acceptable or approved, especially after examining it.

You might already be able to see the problems with slapping a “healthy relationship” sticker on the carte blanche application of this to someone else’s “identities, feelings, and opinions.”

But if not, here’s my argument

Identities, Feelings, And Opinions Are ALL Subjective.

I might’ve called myself the Asian female Ben Shapiro.

I might’ve felt that I was justified in tearing people down.

I might’ve opined prodigiously about politics like I knew what I was talking about.

*cough.

No. Nope. And definitely not.

I was so far off the mark it is not even funny.

Identity. Wrong.

Feelings. Wrong.

Opinions. Wrong.

I was not in tune with reality, but when I was strapped up to that IV of acerbity and epicaricacy, I couldn’t see past my subjectivity, and in my personal relationships, I all but demanded my family and friends validate me.

Why?

Because I, like so many others in our current culture, had fallen prey to the idea that love equals validation.

It doesn’t.

Sometimes Love Says, “No.”

In this day and age, there is a borderline phobic attitude towards certain kinds of confrontation.

I am currently a college student.

Believe you me, I get it.

However, that doesn’t change the fact that if you care about another human being, there is going to come a day (probably many) when you disagree.

Because human beings are flawed and we like to do stupid things.

Case in point:

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This video was making the rounds at Georgetown last month.

If you can’t see it clearly, what’s happening is a boy jumping off the roof of an apartment building in a bid to Superman to the other side.

He doesn’t make it.

He could’ve died.

He didn’t–thank God–but if he had…

Do you think his loved ones would’ve been happy to have a video of it?

Or do you think they would’ve rather his “friends” had put the freaking phone down and stopped him?

Sometimes love says no.

That is an extreme example to be sure, but there are plenty of things that we may do, think, say, or believe that don’t ultimately lead to our flourishing and may even lead to our ruin.

And if someone loves you, they won’t be recording your descent, chanting,

“YOU DO YOU!”

“YES YES YES!”

“GO GO GO!”

They’ll be doing everything they can to make you see sense and crying out as loud as they can,

“No–don’t!”

To Agree, Or Not To Agree, That Is The Question.

Now, I don’t want to be misunderstood as saying that healthy relationships require constant conflict, nitpicking, and invalidation.

That is not what I’m saying.

What I am saying is that blanket validation is not the way to go.

Agree on what you can agree on.

Validate what you can validate.

But understand that a healthy relationship is not dependent on you chanting “yes” at the other person like some sort of spineless, insipid sycophant.

Seek and practice discernment.

Know when to say, “no.”

And remember what Albus Dumbledore said,

“It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies.”

“But a great deal more to stand up to your friends.”