Friends, it has been five years–FIVE–since I started CC.

*mind-blown emoji*

It’s seriously coo-coo bananapants to me.

A lot has changed, but the purpose of CC has stayed the same:

To hold myself accountable and to hopefully encourage others along the way 🙂

TBH, I need accountability and encouragement on the daily because while I still 100% believe that ’til you get plopped in a grave, it’s never too late to change, it is NOT an easy thing to admit you’ve been going the wrong way.

It just isn’t.

And today, I’d like to chat about why that is.

I think there are three main reasons we double down instead of turning around, and they’re as pervasive as they are pernicious.

BUT!

They can be addressed.

And hopefully, by the time you’re done reading this, you’ll be better able to see them and their influence for what they are–death weight–cut their chains, pump the brakes, and do the requisite about face 🙂

Reason We Double Down #1: Pride

Friends, I don’t know about you, but I don’t always take correction well.

My mom will readily attest that I can be pretty stubborn once I’ve settled on a course of action.

If I’ve picked a direction, I want to stick to it.

However!

As in the earlier gif from Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, there are instances (more than we want to admit) where we pick the WRONG direction, and sticking to it (i.e. refusing correction) will be calamitous–not just for us–but for innocents.

AND YET!

When concerns are raised that

“Hey! You’re going the wrong way!”

Instead of listening, we dismiss and disdain.

Or, at least I do, anyways.

Ex. We dismiss the other person as some form of incompetent.

Or else determine that, relative to us, they are a peon of a person, and for that alone, we refuse to listen.

An EXCELLENT example of the latter can be found in The Prince of Egypt.

When Moses approaches Pharaoh with a plea to “Let my people go,” Pharaoh, looks at his scruffy, sheepy, erstwhile brother, and says, quite famously,

“No.”

But before that, Pharaoh made a whole meal of his relative superiority–not just vis a vis Moses–but vis a vis everybody, saying,

“I am the Morning and the Evening Star.”

i.e. “Everyone revolves around me. I don’t move–let alone reverse course–for anybody.“

But as it often happens, The Alpha and Omega comes at him fast, and pretty soon Pharaoh’s chosen path is beset.

Several plagues in, Moses laments:

This was my home
All this pain and devastation
How it tortures me inside
All the innocent who suffer
From your stubbornness and pride

But Mr. Morning and Evening Star is like:

You who I called brother
How could you have come to hate me so?
Is this what you wanted?

Then let my heart be hardened
And never mind how high the cost may grow!
This will still be so:
I will never let your people go!

Which just goes to show that John Stott was 100% correct when he said,

“We would rather perish than repent. Rather lose ourselves than humble ourselves.”

It is so often the case that ego makes us inert–refusing to look up, see the WRONG WAY signs, and turn.

We’d rather watch the whole world–ourselves included–burn than admit we messed up and do a 180-reverse.

But!

Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that we ARE willing to grant that perhaps our ability to path-pick is imperfect.

Crazy, I know 🙂

(Though, if you actually think you and your picker are perfect, maybe check out this blog post.)

Even with some humility in play, there are still two big reasons (at least in my opinion) that we double down on going the wrong way.

Reason We Double Down #2: The Fear of Man

Alright!

So, maybe we’ll admit that the path we’ve picked is deficient.

But it’ll be an inside thought.

Definitely NOT something we’ll be sharing with the public.

After all, we don’t want to be perceived as chicken.

Which, it must be admitted, is a major risk when it comes to making a 180-shift.

Particularly if other people were cheering or goading us onwards to begin with.

I mean, if we go suddenly tearing off in the other direction, what will those people think?

That we’re noncommittal? Cowardly? Weak?

Finding Nemo‘s inciting incident scene depicts this dilemma beautifully.

After being goaded by his new friends

And getting excoriated by his dad

Nemo goes for a dubiously directed swim.

It doesn’t go super well for him.

Now!

We can see that action impelled by peer pressure and adolescent pique concludes sub-optimally.

But, in the moment, derision and censure from the peanut gallery are powerful things.

No one wants to be seen as weak.

In C.S. Lewis’ Screwtape Letters, even the demon Screwtape admits,

“We have made men proud of most vices, but not of cowardice.”

Getting cast as a chicken is seriously ignominious.

And it carries with it the added danger of being eaten.

After all, those peanuts can scent weakness.

In his book RAGE, Bob Woodward recounts an interaction at then-President Trump’s Mar-A-Lago estate where he endeavored to assess Trump’s willingness to apologize for past mistakes.

Dan Scavino, Trump’s social media director, had walked in. Trump pulled him into the debate.

“He [Woodward] thinks I should apologize,” Trump said, “I think if I apologized, it would be a disaster. I don’t know.”

“A hundred, percent,” Scavino said. “The media would kill Trump.”

Death by MSNBC.

But seriously.

It’s an interesting thing.

That refusing to admit past errors–let alone do an about face–(which might appear to observers as strength) is really a sign that we’re high-key afraid.

After all, peanuts can really bring the pain, and it’s that fear of full on social anaphylaxis which makes it hard to say,

“Oh shoot. I’ve been going the wrong way.”

Because right on the heels of that comes

“What will people say if I do an about face?”

Suffice to say, I don’t think the peanut gallery should have a tremendous amount of sway.

They can pelt you a bit–call you craven, vacillating, and limp–but, personally, I’d rather be pelted by nuts than go sailing off a cliff.

(Also, I’ve written here about two-steps I’ve personally found helpful in determining when to take a social hit–feel free to check it out if you want a self-assessment!)

All that being said, once again, for the sake of argument, let’s say that you’ve taken a bite of humble pie and also determined that being called a chicken is preferable to death.

And yet…

You’re still not enthusiastic about changing directions.

I get it 🙂

Seriously, I do!

And I don’t blame you.

Because even after addressing reasons we double down #1 and #2, reason #3 is like directional super-glue.

Reason We Double Down #3: 180s Can Be Excruciating

Alright, friends!

Nearly finished!

We’ve got just one reason we double down left to discuss, but it is, arguably, the most challenging one.

Because while pride and social censure can make us inert, it’s also a simple fact that the act of doing an abrupt 180 can really–really—hurt.

In Top Gun: Maverick, there’s a great illustration of how a sudden change of direction can be highly unpleasant–even perilous.

A real Top Gun instructor described the dangers of a sudden shift in this interview with Jocko Willink (go to 19:00-20:30 to hear the whole thing), and laid out why the pilot has to flip the plane in order to avoid bursting her brain.

Jocko: Why do you have to roll on your back?

Dave Berke: To go from pointed high to pointed low, meaning nose up to nose down, going 500–600–miles an hour, you wouldn’t black out–it’s called “red out.” You would put so much blood in your brain you physiologically couldn’t do it.

In laywoman’s terms, improperly executing a sharp reverse can seriously hurt (or worse), and the likelihood of pain makes most people (understandably) 180-averse.

However…

There are occasions where no matter how much turning might hurt, not turning will be much, much worse.

In Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows, Harry, Ron, and Hermione discuss how Harry’s nemesis Voldemort has ripped his soul to ribbons by serial murder and dark magic.

“Isn’t there any way of putting yourself back together?” Ron asked.

“Yes,” said Hermione with a hollow smile, “but it would be excruciatingly painful.”

“Why? How do you do it?” asked Harry.

“Remorse,” said Hermione. “You’ve got to really feel what you’ve done. There’s a footnote. Apparently the pain of it can destroy you. I can’t see Voldemort attempting it somehow, can you?”

“No,” said Ron, before Harry could answer.

Sorry for the spoiler, but Ron’s correct.

Despite the fact his soul is in ribbons, Voldemort remains remorseless till the bitter end.

In fact, right in the midst of their final showdown, Harry implores him,

“It’s your one last chance,” said Harry, “and it’s all you’ve got left… I’ve seen what you’ll be otherwise… Be a man… try… Try for some remorse…”

Voldemort elects to hold his course.

And because of that, he ends up not just dead–but fully dandelioned.

Now, there’s nothing that can justify either Voldemort’s actions or his unwillingness to admit, even just to himself, that what he did was heinous.

However, I think we can grasp his remorse-reticence.

After all, Hermione’s correct.

Remorse is one of the most excruciating emotions human beings can experience.

In her victim impact statement to serial sexual abuser Larry Nassar, Rachael Denhollander put it this way:

The Bible you speak carries a final judgment where all of God’s wrath and eternal terror is poured out on men like you. Should you ever reach the point of truly facing what you have done, the guilt will be crushing. And that is what makes the gospel of Christ so sweet. Because it extends grace and hope and mercy where none should be found. And it will be there for you. I pray you experience the soul crushing weight of guilt so you may someday experience true repentance and true forgiveness from God, which you need far more than forgiveness from me – though I extend that to you as well.

Friends, in a very real sense, remorse–that crushing cocktail of grief, guilt, horror, and shame–is a foretaste of hell.

It’s that moment of lucidity–that, as Screwtape says, “peculiar kind of clarity which Hell affords”–which alerts us to the fact we chose the wrong course.

I, for one, chose wrong for twenty years.

And on February 6, 2019, when I was alerted to that fact, it legitimately felt like I was having a whole body attack.

My heart was going like a jack-rabbit.

I was sweating out an oil slick.

My pulse was electrifying my fingertips.

And I was sure–very sure–I was about to vomit.

But then the kindest, most all-encompassing voice I’d ever heard said,

“Daughter, it’s time.”

Yours truly burst into tears, turned, grabbed two of my dearest mentors and friends (one of which was playing the keyboard at the time–sorry, Marisa :)), dragged them out of the room and into the hall, and proceeded to confess nearly two decades worth of life misspent.

My life hasn’t been the same since because that day, I didn’t just experience remorse–I experienced repentance.

Friends, I think 2 Corinthians 7:10 put it best:

“There is a godly grief that leads to repentance without regret, and a worldly grief that leads to death.”

Just as the Top Gun instructor said, there is a right way and a wrong way to do a 180 shift.

You either invert the plane or send all the blood shooting into your brain.

In the former, you go belly up to sky, which is a solid position from which to declare,

“Not my way. Not my will. Not my life–but Thine.”

In the latter, you “red out” and fall out of the sky.

10/10 don’t recommend the latter approach, friends!

What I DO recommend is turning to Jesus, who is, like John 14:6 says, “THE Way, THE Truth, and THE Life.”

And who does NOT, per Ezekiel 18:32, delight in the death of any of us who have chosen to sprint innumerable wrong ways but says instead,

“I take no pleasure in the death of anyone! TURN and LIVE!”

God said it.

So there’s no better advice I can give 🙂

That’s all for now, friends!

Turn and live <3

Wandering into the night
Wanting a place to hide
This weary soul, this bag of bones
And I tried with all my mind
And I just can’t win the fight
I’m slowly drifting, a vagabond
And just when I ran out of road
I met a man I didn’t know
And He told me
That I was not alone

He picked me up
He turned me around
He placed my feet on solid ground
I thank the Master
I thank the Savior
Because He healed my heart
He changed my name
Forever free, I’m not the same
I thank the Master
I thank the Savior
I thank God