“It’s not what you say—it’s how you say it.”

We’ve all been there.

You’re having a reasonable discussion, disagreement emerges, and suddenly the verbal equivalent of a knock-down-drag-out is raging in the living room, car, or a place that’s a just little too public… like Whole Foods.

But, hey!

The gloves are off, the salad bar is overpriced anyways, and you are ready to throw down!

How did this happen?

I’m going to bet it has something to do with the dreaded t-word.

Tone

It’s a loaded term, I know, but in the grand communicative scheme, imagine tone as simply the method of delivery.

Now, don’t go thinking that means it’s unimportant!

Au contraire, my friend!

Consider the difference between being handed a beautifully wrapped present and having said present chucked full-speed at your head.

Clearly, regardless of the contents of the package, method of delivery matters.

In fact, I would argue that tone is just as important as content when it comes to being an effective and pleasant communicator, especially when conflict arises.

Unfortunately, tone is also the first thing to go when tempers flare.

I noticed this pattern a while back but only started to consider why this might be the case more recently.

Having now not only seriously thought about my theory but also verified it with the help of a few unsuspecting test subjects, I’ve come to the conclusion that tone is a trap.

Hear me out.

As someone who has fallen into the tone trap many a time, I feel like something of an authority on the topic, and I hope that in sharing what I’ve learned as a recurrent trappee, someone else might learn this lesson faster than me.

But before we get there, some key players need a fuller introduction.

The Trapper & The Trappee

I’ve found that in the vast majority of relationships, there is at least one habitual tone abuser. This person is regularly passive-aggressive or just plain aggressive-aggressive when handling conflict or even when going about life in general.

In the most dire circumstances, just the sound of their voice is enough to raise hackles.

Oftentimes, the people in their life might wonder whether they understand how they come across.

“Do they know they sound like that?” is the ever present question.

This is person zero: the trapper.

On the other hand, you have the trappee.

The trappee is basically Bambi.

More submissive.

Conflict averse.

Prey.

Whose go-to response to disagreement is usually to yield or run away.

But not always.

Because even Bambi has his limits.

And I submit that tone is on the shortlist.

But let me try and prove it.

The Trap

There are a lot of ways to yank somebody’s chain, but I think tone is one of the most diabolical ways because with mere inflection, maybe a slight change of facial expression, the most blase statement can convey that you think your interlocutor is an imbecilic piece of pond scum that would be better served with a baked potato for a brain.

Utterly diabolical.

Why?

Because propriety would hold that the trappee (i.e. Bambi) turned Protozoic Mr./Mrs. Potato Head would respond to what’s actually been said–not unsaid.

And yet…

I challenge you to find any self-respecting human being, Bambi-esque or otherwise, who will take being implicitly informed that they have the mental acuity of spud-shaped sea-goo lying down.

It’s incredibly hard to do!

Maybe even harder than if they’d just outright insulted you.

So instead of rolling over yet again, the trappee reacts to what’s been unsaid by matching the trapper word and tone for tone alone.

And when the trappee reacts, the trapper attacks.

…and that was the plan all along.

Because who do you think wins that argument?

The trapper.

Every.

Single.

Time.

Because as any fellow trappee will tell you, we are woefully unprepared for the ensuing kerfuffle.

After all, we are bringing hooves and horns to a gun fight, and it’s just not going to go well for us.

So what to do?

Three things:

#1 Strategic Retreat

Sometimes you just need to walk away.

Now be prepared.

Trappers tend to moonlight as trackers, so there is a very real chance they might try to chase you down.

Do not run.

That only excites them.

Instead, politely excuse yourself (i.e. do not slam doors, stomp, etc.) and do your best to put some space between the two of you…

Even if that means locking yourself in the bathroom.

Not indefinitely, though.

Notice I said strategic retreat.

Do not–I REPEAT–do not just “let it go” or shrug it off.

We do not encourage enabling bad behavior on Cultiv8ing Character.

You are going to reengage, but first you need to get your head, heart, and mouth in the right place.

Because when the tone trap was sprung, there is a very good chance your brain disengaged in pure, unadulterated rage, and a disengaged, enraged brain is not going to be much use if you’re hoping to effectively or pleasantly communicate.

So!

Strategically retreat, collect yourself, and reengage.

But what should this reengagement look like?

#2 Kill ‘Em With Kindness

It’s a cliche, I know.

But cliches are cliche for a reason, and I’ve found that this method of handling trappers works almost every time.

Why?

Well, put simply, it works because instead of falling into the trap of reacting and snapping back, giving them the go ahead to attack, you’ve essentially outmaneuvered and countered them, committing to being kind and compassionate in the face of their continued buttheadedness.

They cannot–CANNOT–handle it.

It drives them absolutly batty because you aren’t falling for the trap.

You are giving them no reason to ramp up and attack, and as a result, they look ridiculous.

No one enjoys being made to look foolish.

And yet, that’s exactly how they look.

Now, be careful to be kind not saccharine.

You being cloyingly, mockingly sweet or holier-than-thou will not help here because you’ll only justify their anger and, as a result, their attack.

Putting you right back in the tone trap, and we don’t want that!

So, remember, it is your job to be kind.

It is their conscience’s job to make them feel like an idiot.

“But they don’t have one!” you say.

If that’s the case, I have to wonder if you actually want that person in your life.

But more than likely, they do have a conscience.

It just might need a little TLC and accountability.

I present step/option number three.

#3 Trap The Trapper

By and large, I think this one should be a last resort because it brings other people in to the disagreement, but sometimes, you’ve just got to phone a friend.

If strategic retreat and killing ’em with kindness aren’t working, get thee a mediator (i.e. the person who will trap the trapper).

But here’s the key.

They can’t be someone who is just going to defend you or take your side, no matter how buttheaded the other person is being.

You must, I repeat MUST, find a mediator who values the relationship you have with the trapper.

I’ll say that again.

Your mediator must value the relationship you have with the trapper.

Some Examples:

• If you and your friend are fighting, you need a mediator who values your friendship.
• If you and your spouse are fighting, you need one who values your marriage.
• If you and your mother, brother, daughter, aunt, grandparent, etc. are fighting, you need one who values your family.

Ultimately, you don’t want someone who’s “on your side” or even necessarily thinks you’re right.

If you do that, you might win the battle, but I guarantee that eventually, you’ll lose the war.

Bottom line being, if you’re going to trap the trapper, you need to find a mediator who wants to bring reconciliation to the relationship.

That is, of course, if you want to keep it.

But that’s a topic for another time, so I’ll leave the discussion of the tone trap here.

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