When I first heard Ariana Grande’s now iconic song “thank u, next,” I’m not going to lie…
I liked it.
I know-I know!
That’s a rarity for me!
Contemporary music is not usually (*cough ever) my cup of tea.
But not only is “thank u, next” admittedly very catchy, it also contains the message that you don’t need to be in a relationship to be content.
Can I get an “AMEN?”
Now, I won’t get on my singleness soapbox here, but it’s safe to say, I’m a fan 🙂
However…
While I appreciate Ariana shouting out singleness, upon further reflection and closer inspection, I’ve become a “thank u, next” skeptic for one simple reason:
There is a BIG difference between being single and being self-reliant, and “thank u, next” is, to my hearing, on the wrong side of it.
Let me explain.
What Does Ari Actually Say?
The song opens with Ariana listing out her exes and paying homage to her past relationships.
Alas, they were not meant to be.
So she says “thank u… next” and continues in her next breath,
“I met someone else
We havin’ better discussions
I know they say I move on too fast
But this one gon’ last
‘Cause her name is Ari
And I’m so good with that (So good with that)
She taught me love (Love)
She taught me patience (Patience)
How she handles pain (Pain)
That ***’s amazing (Yeah, she’s amazing)
I’ve loved and I’ve lost (Yeah, yeah)
But that’s not what I see (Yeah, yeah)
‘Cause look what I’ve found (Yeah, yeah)
Ain’t no need for searching…”
Interesting.
So, in brief, Ariana is saying “yes!” to herself, and “thank u, next!” to everyone else.
They’ve all let her down, and now she is her own lover, counselor, teacher, etc.
Friends.
That is more than singleness.
That is self-reliance.
Which, as distinct from singleness, is actually a no-good, very bad thing.
Indeed, I’m going to make the case that self-reliance is perhaps one of the most dangerous, albeit popular, ideologies at play in the culture today.
So…
Sorry, Ari, but I’m going to have to say thanks but no thanks.
Why?
Well, because the consequences of self-reliance are, shall we say, not so great.
Let me explain!
Consequence of Self-Reliance #1: Ignorance
Just this week, during a televised interview with her husband Will Smith, Jada Pinkett Smith proclaimed,
“You can’t find happiness outside yourself.”
In our present day and age, this seems to be a prevailing belief, and as a result, to many, including Ariana Grande, there “ain’t no need for searching…”
Not for lovers. Not for counselors. Not for teachers.
We are all we need, and self-reliance is seen as a great, good thing!
This is a problem.
Why?
Well, because when you elect to be self-reliant, you pretty much have to think you’re the bee’s knees, totally and utterly complete with no need for anybody else to come on the scene.
Unsurprisingly, when you think this way, you are going to be missing things.
Because I don’t know about you, but I certainly don’t know everything.
Frankly, what I know could fit in a thimble and still have room to roll around.
Claiming otherwise seems, to me, like sheer lunacy–but don’t just take it from me!
In Plato’s Symposium, Diotima tells Socrates,
“What is especially difficult about being ignorant is that you are content with yourself, even though you’re neither beautiful and good nor intelligent. If you don’t think you need anything, of course you won’t want what you don’t think you need.”
Preach.
That’s a prophetic word for somebody.
Truly, I wonder what Diotima would think about #noneedforsearching.
I have a feeling she would be profoundly unimpressed because ignorance, to the ancients, would in no way be bliss.
In fact, Socrates is recorded to have said,
“There is but one evil, ignorance.”
If it’s put into action, I’m inclined to agree with him.
Which brings me to the second consequence of self-reliance.
Consequence of Self-Reliance #2: Lawlessness
When Ari says,
“I met someone else. We havin’ better discussions” and that someone else is herself…
We should be worried.
Why?
Well, in Ralph Waldo Emerson’s essay, aptly titled “Self-Reliance,” he writes,
“On my saying, ‘What have I to do with the sacredness of traditions, if I live wholly from within?… if I am the devil’s child, I will live then from the devil.’ No law can be sacred to me but that of my nature.“
Recipe for disaster.
I actually can’t think of much that would wreck the world faster than everybody cleaving to Emerson’s espoused philosophy and declaring,
“I’ve discussed things with me, myself, and I, and I think x, y, z is right! Now, I will do what feels right to me!”
Hello, anarchy.
Truly, that’s the logical corollary of self-reliance.
There are no rules but thy rules….
Goodbye, civil society.
But don’t just take it from me!
In a 2018 interview, lawyer, author, and apologist Abdu Murray put it this way,
“One of our country’s greatest concepts is freedom, but in today’s society we have confused freedom–the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without restraint–with autonomy–freedom from external control or influence. When you are autonomous, you are literally, by definition, ‘a law unto yourself.’ Well, what happens when you are a law unto yourself and I am a law unto myself and we disagree? Truth is no longer the arbiter between us so when we clash in the public square, it won’t be truth that decides; it will be power. And that ultimately leads to authoritarianism which is enslaving. Isn’t it ironic that autonomy–which we think is freeing–actually leads to slavery?”
Touche.
So anarchy then slavery.
Fantastic.
Yay self-reliance.
But! You might say, That’s only if self-reliance runs amok and goes astray.
If it just affects one individual, how bad can it be?
Let’s see.
Consequence of Self-Reliance #3: Meaninglessness
In The Abolition of Man, C.S. Lewis writes,
“An ethics based on instinct will give the innovator everything (s)he wants and nothing that (s)he does not want.”
As we have just discussed, that kind of thinking goes nowhere good.
However!
When Ariana Grande says,
“I know they say I move on too fast
But this one gon’ last
‘Cause her name is Ari
And I’m so good with that“
There’s a part of us that hopes she’s correct.
We want her “new relationship” to last because if she’s already said “thank u, next” to everyone else, all she has left is herself.
So if that doesn’t last, exactly what/who is her alternative?
That’s a scary question because most would agree that if we can count on anyone in this world, it would be ourselves!
Right?
…
…
…right?
Wrong.
I think we can all admit that we’ve done stuff we’d rather forget.
Stuff that if our partners did the same, we’d quit the relationship.
I for one can say I’ve done things that make me feel (literally) sick to my stomach, and were it not for my faith, my family, and my friends, I’ll be honest…
It would be really hard to forgive myself, move on, and truly live.
So what happens when you come to the end of yourself and you’ve already said, “thank u, next” to everyone else?
I’d argue it’s a downward spiral which ultimately ends in meaninglessness.
An artistic proof of this would be none other than Shakespeare’s Macbeth who, having lost his men, his wife, and arguably his mind, has to face the reality that his decisions have created a situation where he very well might die.
His response?
Proclaim that there is no meaning to life:
“Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace from day to day, to the last syllable of recorded time; and all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle! Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”
But is that true?
Or is that the cry of someone who had so isolated himself, so relied upon himself, that when he reached the end of himself, he simply didn’t know what to do.
For the self-reliant, errors take on a different character.
There is no one to restore them
No one to uplift them.
No one to forgive them.
And in that case, who would choose to live?
Would you not prefer meaninglessness?
Because if life doesn’t matter, those mistakes–those errors–don’t matter.
There are no consequences because your life was of no consequence.
Oh, friends…
That’s the ultimate end of self-reliance.
It’s nothing to sing about.
It is sad.
Very sad…
But take heart because there is an alternative!
Selective Reliance For The Win!
At this point, I hope I’ve convinced you that self-reliance is not all it’s cracked up to be.
Despite its popularity, it breeds ignorance, lawlessness, and meaninglessness, which, at least if you ask me, are no good, very bad things.
Thus, instead of self-reliance, I would gently suggest selective reliance as superior modus operandi.
Why?
Well, if we rewind to the very beginning of “thank u, next” where Ari lists her exes, I think we’ll find that part of her problem is that she does not appear to have had the best taste in guys.
Now, I don’t know them personally, but a bit of googling made it clear to me that entering into a committed relationship with them was not, perhaps, the best course of action.
Don’t throw rotten tomatoes at me, but I firmly believe that giving your heart, mind, body, etc. to someone should be done with a fair bit of selectivity.
And frankly, there are certain things that I think would lead to someone being disqualified quite quickly.
If you ask me, when it comes to picking your person, you’ll want to ask some questions that speak to their reliability.
My shortlist is as follows:
Have they proven to be trustworthy?
Do they make me a better human being?
All that to say…
If you’ve been burned in the past and find yourself in a place where you’ve got to say,
“Thank u, next,”
Just… consider carefully to whom it is that you are going to ultimately say,
“Yes.”
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