If you don’t already know this, my goal in life is to be an apologist.

However, whenever I say I want to be an apologist, eight times out of ten, people look at me and say something to the effect of,

“Uh… You want to apologize for a living?”

At which point, I launch into an explanation about the greek word apologia and how it means “to give a defense,” and their eyes glaze over.

It’s great.

Anyways…

Because of that common misconception, I have given some thought to what it might actually be like to apologize for a living.

Lemme tell ya.

Close-quarter quarantine living is providing ample opportunity to manifest that particular reality.

But, hey!

Cultiv8ing Character is all about self-improvement and apologizing is an area where, at least for me, there’s a lot–a lot–of room for growth.

Because apologizing is hard.

It takes a whole lot of humility, effort, practice, and spit.

In fact, spit is an essential component if you want your apology to stick.

That is, S.P.I.T., the acronym I’ve settled upon for this.

Why S.P.I.T.?

Well, because 1) I have the sense of humor of a middle school boy and 2) nothing sticks in the brain like an unsavory bodily fluid/function.

So!

If you, like me, want to get better at apologizing, read on because I’m about to breakdown some apologizing requirements for the next time you do or say something you wish you could take back.

And take it from me, friend.

Speedy, Penitent, In-person, and Thorough, apologies are by far the best.

“S” Is For Speedy

In life, there are a number of things you do not want to sit on.

Thumbtacks.

Porcupines.

Babies.

AND…

Apologies.

Seriously.

When it comes to giving an apology, there is a need for speed.

If you wait too long, things start to get… stiff.

Think of the genie in Aladdin when he says,

Sitting on an apology is no different.

People begin to get cricks in their necks, and they start to wonder if you’re ever going to address the thing you did/said.

If not now, then when?

Personally, I think an hour–a day–at most, is more than enough time to swallow your pride and apologize.

However!

That being said, a sincere apology has no expiration date.

So if something happened way back when, and you find yourself asking,

Is it too late now to say sorry?

The answer is no.

It’s never too late to say sorry, but it may be the case that the relationship has changed due to death, distance, or damage done by a languishing apology.

You don’t want things to go that way if a simple “I’m sorry” was all that was needed to fix the issue in the first place.

So take it from me, and don’t sit on your apologies!

On to P!

“P” Is For Penitent

The major key to any good apology is that it is being given sincerely.

Actual penitence is of high, even chief, importance.

However, it’s also the bit I think most people struggle with because most of the time we think we acted justifiably, making it extremely, extremely, hard to genuinely say “sorry.”

As a proof, I offer a story.

For those of you languishing under the thumb of only child syndrome, this might be foreign to you, but for those of you with siblings, you know this is 100% true.

Let me set the scene.

I, a young girl of maybe eight or nine years of age, am readying myself to watch TV. Remote in hand, I settle myself on the couch and press the on button.

Then, the unthinkable happens.

My little sister walks in and imperiously says,”I want to watch something.”

I tighten my hold on the remote control. “Too bad. I was here first.”

She edges towards the couch.

I, knowing her plan, go on high alert.

And sure enough, a second later, she lunges and a full on brawl breaks out, full of rolling, punching, kicking, and attempts to pin the other person down.

Basically this:

“What is going on here?!”

All eyes go to the new person in the room.

Mom.

The remote is extended high above my head. My foot is planted on my sister’s chest. We make eye contact, and I know, I know, what’s about to happen.

She gives me a diabolical grin, turns back towards Mom, and cries, “Sarah kicked me!”

Yeah. You bet I did. That tends to happen when someone’s teeth clamp down on my skin. It’s called self-defense, you miscreant.

But she’s the baby of the family, and I’ve been taking taekwondo classes.

I should “know better.”

The rest of the tale is as old as time, culminating in one of the most hated phrases in all of human history:

“Say you’re sorry.”

My lips press into a line. I’ve already relinquished the remote. I will not relinquish my pride.

“Sarah, say you’re sorry.”

Yeah. I’m sorry alright. Sorry I didn’t give her a face burn across the carpet and jam the remote into her side.

However, the ultimate end is inevitable.

The count to three begins, and the most insincere apology I can muster is wrested from my lips.

“Sorry,” I spit, envisioning the next time we’re outside, unobserved, where I’m going to pound my “baby” sister into the pavement and make her eat an earthworm.

In case you can’t tell, little Sarah was not the most penitent person around.

Now, some of you may say, “Why should you be? You were at least somewhat an injured party!”

That may be true.

However, I’ve found that embracing a “woe is me” attitude is a really fast way to nuke your ability to give an apology–at least one with any modicum of sincerity.

And sincerity–genuine penitence–is, as already stated, essential for a meaningful apology.

However, if you’re really struggling to offer an apology, and you feel like you are the injured party, what can help is specificity.

In the example given above, I was made to give a blanket apology that assumed near total responsibility, and I was fit to spit.

“I’m sorry” tasted like battery acid, and all I felt was resentment as I pushed the words past my lips.

Likewise, I could not have sincerely said, “I’m sorry for kicking her.” Because I wasn’t. I was kind of regretting I hadn’t kicked her unconscious.

HOWEVER!

I could have definitely sincerely said, “I’m sorry I didn’t get Mom to begin with to resolve the situation.”

That would’ve been totally true and genuine because had I done that, I probably could’ve watched my show and then given my sister the remote control.

Win-win.

Instead, I had to go to my room, alone, while she got to watch her show because I didn’t have foresight or self-control.

So!

If you can’t sincerely offer a blanket apology, try your hand at specificity because by and large, there is almost always something specific you/me/we could’ve done better, and being conscious of this is so important in interpersonal relationships.

However, more than anything, I want to stress that insincere apologies are completely worthless.

Apologies require penitence, and penitence requires genuineness.

But genuineness doesn’t always equal penitence.

If you really, truly feel you did nothing wrong, you need to be honest, and if that’s the case, this is what I recommend you say as a cease and desist strategy:

“This situation is clearly out of hand, and I need to get some distance. If you give me an hour to get my thoughts together, I’ll be able to address this situation and you much more respectfully, even if I can’t sincerely offer an apology.”

I think most reasonable people would be willing to accept that, and if they aren’t… if they want to keep at you and force an apology out of you against your will…

You might want to consider if you should be hanging around them still.

Which brings me to my next point!

“I” Is For In-Person

In this day and age, I think it’s safe to say that everyone has probably experienced getting dumped, fired, rejected, etc., remotely.

Text. Email. Snapchat. Zoom.

All tools in widespread use.

Nowadays, we have COVID-19 as an excuse, but even prior to this whole thing, hard conversations were often had at a distance.

Over a screen.

What does that mean?

It means, in brief, “I don’t have the time, energy, desire, etc. to have this conversation face-to-face with you.”

It’s not great, but it’s understandable.

People are busy, resources finite, and it’s not as if dumping, firing, or rejecting someone is a fun pastime.

People want to be quick and efficient when it comes to awkward, negative, and/or painful interactions, and using the internet is the best way to do that.

However, could you imagine if this was how people preferred to interact for happy conversations?

Like, for example, asking someone the Hallmark question:

This is supposed to be a momentous, moving occasion!

You are humbling yourself before that person and declaring your desire to spend the rest of your life honoring them.

It’s an amazing, incredible, and beautiful thing!

…and you want to do it through an iPhone screen? Maybe with an emoji?

Sorry, friends, but barring extenuating circumstances, that’s gonna be an auto-reject from pretty much any person I’ve ever met.

Because saying, “Will you spend the rest of your life with me? But also, I don’t have the time, energy, desire, etc. to ask you this in-person” is not a winning strategy.

Forget getting down on one knee.

How does this apply to giving in-person apologies?

Well, if you’ll notice, the heart of a proposal (a good one, that is) is eerily similar to the heart of a genuine apology.

You’re saying, “I’m going to humble myself because I messed up, and honor you by telling you so and asking you to forgive me. Why? Because I value you and want to repair how I wronged you.”

I think that’s an amazing, incredible, beautiful thing!

And yet, we often treat apologies as if they belong in the category of dump, fire, reject, etc.

As something unpleasant that we just want to be done with ASAP.

“I’m sorry” might flash across a screen, but what does that mean?

“I’m sorry. Please forgive me. But also I don’t have the time, energy, desire, etc. to humble myself and honor you to your face.”

Again, barring extenuating circumstances, thanks, but no thanks.

Instead, I highly, highly, recommend you go to the person, get down on one knee, and say you’re sorry.

Seriously.

That’s what I did after scaring the stuffing out of my high school roomie with a bumble bee, and she forgave me 🙂

Onto the S.P.I.T finale!

“T” Is For Thorough

Alright!

We’re at the end–you’ve given a speedy, penitent, in-person apology, and now it’s time for the final check.

Is the person you’re apologizing to satisfied with it?

Because you can apologize speedily, penitently, and in-person for X, Y, and Z, but if what hurt the other person is actually some other thing, you will have flubbed your apology.

Because an apology isn’t just about diminishing or absolving your guilt.

If you want that, go to a confessional.

But if you want the restoration of a relationship, you need to make sure the other person is satisfied with the apology as you gave it because the fact of the matter is:

Apologizing is about humbling yourself AND honoring the other person, and if the other person doesn’t feel honored, there’s still going to be a fissure in the relationship.

It takes one to repent. It takes two to be reconciled.

So check-in.

Ask them if they forgive you and if there is anything you missed that is still bothering them about the thing you said or did.

You might also include,

“What can I do to make it up to you?”

I actually recommend asking that because the answer will tell you something about the character of the person you are apologizing to.

If they say something like “Please don’t do it again” or ask you to do something reasonable to make amends that tells you that they also want to restore the relationship.

However, if they start throwing out degrading, humiliating, and/or outlandish things you must do to earn their forgiveness, sit up and take notice.

Because there’s a chance that what they’re after is not relational restoration but punishment.

Revenge, even.

Or simply to take advantage of you.

And similar to the people that revel in forced apologies, people who would seek to exploit or abuse your desire to honor them after you already humbled yourself are not, perhaps, the people you want to be hanging around.

And frankly, doing what they demand of you could actually make your apologies moot because for an apology to be worth something, it has to come from someone with self-respect.

Not a doormat.

A doormat cannot humble itself.

It’s a doormat.

A doormat cannot honor anyone else.

It’s a doormat.

If you allow yourself to be ground into the ground and dragged around by those that would kick you when you’re already kneeling down, you can hang up your apologizing hat because your apologies going forth will be, essentially, meaningless.

You will have become a doormat.

Incapable of humbling yourself.

Incapable of honoring anyone else.

Meaningful apologies will be right out, and we really don’t want that because apologies are literally like aloe for the soul!

Seriously, they can heal people.

I’ve seen it.

I’ve experienced it.

As someone who has burnt and been burnt more times than I can count, trust me, I know.

So!

I hope I’ve convinced you that S.P.I.T. apologies are where it is at, but also remember please, please, please do NOT become a doormat.

That’s all for this week!

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