Hi friends.

It’s been a minute.

So sorry for being MIA, but I’ve been doing some rather intense soul searching as of late in a bid to discern whether or not I should keep Cultiv8ing Character going.

For why?

Well, a number of things, but a biggie is that I’ve had a number of conversations in the last few weeks which have revealed to me that I am not nearly as articulate/as good of a communicator as I need to be, and as a result, I’ve become increasingly wary of saying/writing/sharing anything for fear that it may be unhelpful, unclear, unkind, and/or unnecessary.

But!

A few people recently let me know that they do actually find some of the things I share helpful and have missed hearing from me, so I’m dipping my toe back in this week to share three key things that have (thus far) been helpful for me when it comes to having conversations that are kinder, gentler, and life-giving.

And they are…

1. Self-Censorship
2. Knowing My Conversationalist(s)
3. Keeping My Eyes On Relation-ships

So if you, like me have found yourself having conversations go poorly as of late, please feel free to read 🙂

1. Self-Censorship

If you don’t know this about me, I am an external processor (i.e. I have to talk/write in order to think).

Unfortunately, when it comes to conversing with another human being, a problem with external processing is sometimes (often) I say things without thinking.

Now, I don’t like conflict generally, but I especially don’t like it when it’s a result of me speaking impetuously or thoughtlessly, so I’ve been doing my best to curb my external processor and practice self-censoring.

Pray for me.

Shutting up does not come naturally 🙂

HOWEVER!

The fruits of the Spirit (per Galatians 5:22-23) are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control, and I’m constantly reminding myself that through Christ, all things, including shutting up, are possible.

However, if you ask me, self-censorship–at its best–isn’t only about self-control.

It’s also about discerning what is good, what is true, and what is honorable.

In 1 Corinthians 10:23, Paul writes, “All things are permissible, but not all things are good. All things are permissible, but not all things build up.”

And see, when it comes to conversing with another human being, I think that’s such an important principle to keep in mind because while we have the ability to say anything we like, we also have a responsibility to discern what speaks life.

Put another way, in the 1993 Jurassic Park movie, Dr. Ian Malcolm (AKA Jeff Goldblum) notes,

“Scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”

The results were… not good.

And if you ask me, a failure to ask ourselves that question of could vs. should in conversation often goes similarly poorly.

I mean, when I think back to all the conversations I’ve had that have devolved into arguments, I can almost always identify a point where I should’ve stopped myself and said:

“Okay. I know I could say that. In fact, it would probably feel really freaking good to say that. But should I say that?”

Nine times out of ten, the answer is “no,” but because I didn’t stop to ask myself that question, we get:

And that’s just really not desirable.

So, again.

If you find yourself struggling to have pleasant conversations, I highly, highly recommend trying some self-censorship.

2. Know Your Conversationalist(s)

For those of you who don’t know, I’m currently in the process of writing a Young Adult low-fantasy novel.

Let me just say, fiction writing is a ride, and I frequently have days where I go from “I am absolutely brilliant” to “Wow. Yo soy total idiot.”

Anyways!

If you check out fiction writing advice sites, one tip you will almost always get is make sure you know your characters.

A-freaking-men.

I personally think that’s the best fiction writing advice there is because, friends, I speak from experience when I say if you try to write a character you don’t know or understand, they will make absolutely no sense, and you will be left feeling annoyed and frustrated.

And here’s the thing.

I think the same principle applies to real-life human beings.

I, for one, have definitely had interactions, particularly conversations, where I’ve felt like the other person is making absolutely no sense, and what I’ve come to see is that almost universally what this means is I don’t know them well enough yet.

Specifically, I’m missing something that would explain why they are saying strange things or acting in a way I find frustrating.

In the writing world, this missing piece is called backstory or character history, and it informs everything.

Think Severus Snape being in love with Lily.

Will Hunting being abused as a boy.

Edmond Dantes being betrayed by his friends and fiancé.

Without knowing a character’s–and, I submit, a conversationalist’s–backstory, when they do or say something with which we disagree, it can be really difficult to see them sympathetically and far, far easier to simply write them off as unintelligent, malicious, and/or annoying.

I’ve certainly fallen into that trap in the past, but the process of fiction writing has shown me the importance of knowing someone’s backstory, and to that end, I really, really like this quote by John Steinbeck:

“Try to understand men, if you understand each other you will be kind to each other. Knowing a man well never leads to hate and nearly always leads to love.”

And so, if you, like me, have ever found yourself getting frustrated or annoyed with another person you think is not making any sense, I recommend considering if maybe, you just don’t know their whole story yet.

3. Keep Your Eyes On The Relation-ship

Ever since sixth grade Language Arts with Sycamore School’s incomparable Ms. Mary O’Malley, I have enjoyed looking into the roots of words and their meanings.

I just find it really interesting.

I particularly like doing this with words that are frequently used because getting to the actual roots, I’ve found, at least for me, can rescue truth from familiarity.

I think this is the case with “conversation.“

If you look up the dictionary definition, you’ll get something like this:

“A talk, especially an informal one, between two or more people, in which news and ideas are exchanged.”

However, broken into its constituent root words:

con (together)

vers (turning)

-tion (the state of)

And arranged to avoid a dangling preposition, we get:

“The state of turning together.”

And see, I think that provides much more insight into what a conversation can and should be because, if you ask me, a conversation is not merely about exchanging information–it’s about learning to turn–to navigate–a ship.

A relation-ship, to be specific, and the people on board are you and your conversationalist(s).

Friends, I know it’s cheesy, but I’ve found that thinking of conversations this way has really changed the game for me because, previously, I had a lot of conversations where I got to port looking like this:

I’d jettisoned my conversationalist(s) and nearly sunk the ship.

For why?

Well, a myriad of reasons, but high and chief was my commitment to telling the truth, no matter the consequences.

Now, I’m in no way saying telling the truth is bad, but the manner in which I did it tended to blow holes in the deck.

In brief, I was so busy trying to direct the ship that I didn’t have my eyes on it, and the end result was basically the titanic.

Now, I like to think I’ve come a long way since then, but there are definitely still conversations where, convinced I am correct, I start to lose sight of relationships.

And during those instances, the most helpful thing for me to do is remind myself of Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians 1-2:

“If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.“

I can be 100% correct–a bona fide prophetess–but if I’m spouting facts without loving my conversationalist(s), it counts for zip, which, at least for me, is a solid incentive to keep my eyes on my relationships.

That’s all for this week!

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