Whenever I walk by someone smoking a cigarette, I do one of two things:

I either 1) hold my breath or 2) cough like someone just gave me the Heimlich.

Say what you want, but public shaming can be a very effective deterrent, and when it comes to lighting up, I am more than happy to be this woman:

Seriously.

Smoking is disgusting and does nothing for the surrounding air quality, so when climate activists finally come for the Marlboros, I will be Greta Thunberg-ing with the rest of them.

And if you thought heads rolled when they came for straws, just wait until they get to vapes.

But I digress.

While I could talk about the degradation of air quality until the cows come home (although, I hear cows might be somewhat controversial, so they could be the next to go), the noxious gas that I want to talk about today does not come from cigarettes or cow buttocks but from the mouths of men and women.

Gossip.

Yes, I said it.

People spew gossip left, right, and center without a thought or care, calling it “venting” or “bonding” or any other euphemism for what they’re really doing which is polluting the air.

And just like cigarette fumes it doesn’t just stay there.

People breathe it in.

Some may even say that’s the point.

Now, I’ve struggled with gossip for a very long time, so I get it.

Really, I do.

It feels good.

It’s easy.

It distracts from the crap going on in your own life.

What’s not to like, right?

Lots.

Seriously, I could go on and on, but today I want to highlight the fact that while yes, things like cigarettes, vapes, and pollution writ large are clearly slowly killing us, gossip is an equivalent harbinger of death if not to us then to our relationships.

Why?

Cirrhotic Hearts

In middle school, I got the whole kit and kaboodle of talks on drugs and alcohol, and while I’m sure it wasn’t all scare tactics, those are the only bits I remember.

Sorry, but I challenge you to look at pictures of long-time heroine addicts and/or the rotten hamburger meat looking livers that come with alcohol abuse alongside boring facts and figures and see what you remember.

Long story short, what we put into our bodies matters.

And just as drugs and alcohol can and do bring disease and decay to all number of our body parts, gossip does the same to our hearts.

Think about it.

When was the last time you walked away from hearing gossip a better person?

A better friend?

Seriously.

I’ll wait.

Gossip doesn’t work that way.

All it does is inject judgement and self-righteousness into our blood until eventually what we’re left with is this:

A cirrhotic heart incapable of creating or sustaining a healthy relationship.

And why is this?

Well, because gossip isn’t just something we consume.

It’s something we produce.

Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks, and when your heart looks like decaying hamburger meat, what do you think you’re going to speak?

Nothing good–that’s what.

Meaning that creating and sustaining a happy, healthy relationship is going to be nigh on impossible.

Communication in relationships is, after all, essential.

So with a cirrhotic heart, you’re pretty much screwed.

However, it’s not all bad news.

Because just as a cirrhotic liver can regenerate and be made new, so too can a gossip-hardened heart.

Here’s What To Do:

First, recognize this is a war on two fronts.

Given that gossip is a problem of both production and consumption, it’s going to require a pretty robust plan of attack if you’re going to beat it back.

But it can be done!

All it takes is two simple steps.

Step 1: Cut Production.

Between the consumption and the production of gossip, the latter is far and away the easier of the two to address given that if worse comes to worse, you can stuff a sock in your mouth and just keep quiet.

After all, the old adage holds true:

“If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”

But let’s be honest.

“Nice” is too vague a word to really inform or shape what we say or do.

Instead, I propose a catch-all principle and two questions that you can use.

Catch-all principle: It is better to talk to a person than about a person.

This is by far the best rule of thumb for combating the production of gossip since communicating your thoughts and opinions about a person to that person is a conversation–not a gratuitous gossip fest being put on without them present.

And while it might be an awkward or super uncomfortable chat, I guarantee it is better than the alternative.

However, say you really, really want to talk about someone without them there.

I submit there are two questions you first need to ask and honestly answer.

Question 1: Would the person I’m talking about be encouraged by this conversation?

This is basically another way of saying “if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all,” but I think it does a better job of capturing the essence of what makes gossip so harmful, which is the fact that tearing people down or broadcasting the lesser angels of their nature without giving them a chance to defend themselves is really what poisons the well of relationships.

However, saying a kind word about a person without them present is obviously something quite different.

And let me be clear, if you want to tell your friends, family, and pretty much anybody else that you love Cultiv8ing Character, you don’t have to have me there.

*insert shameless plug to subscribe and share*

Question 2: Can the person I’m talking to positively affect the situation and bring reconciliation or, at the very least, resolution?

One of the easiest ways to fall into gossiping is by “venting” to or “asking for an opinion” from someone who has absolutely nothing to do with the situation.

You may want to talk to a friend, family member, roommate, classmate, coworker, random acquaintance, etc., but before you do that, you need to be honest about whether that person can actually be a part of the solution.

If not, they have no business knowing, and you have no real reason to tell them.

Ergo, keep it to yourself or talk to someone else who can actually help.

But now comes the trickier bit because while you might be ready and willing to cut your production of noxious gossip fumes, getting everyone else around you to quit is a much taller order.

RIP The Paris Agreement.

However, whether your friends, family, etc. sign on or not, gossip still hurts you.

So what to do…?

Step 2: Refuse To Consume.

Remember my modus operandi when I pass someone smoking on the street?

If not, I’ll say it again.

Either hold your breath or cough a la the Heimlich.

When it comes to not consuming gossip, I think these are both wonderfully applicable practices.

In principle.

Let me explain.

Option 1: “Hold Your Breath“

Now, obviously, I don’t mean this literally.

You holding your breath until someone else stops gossiping will probably only result in you becoming unconscious due to a lack of oxygen.

HOWEVER!

The principle behind the practice is simple:

Do not let any fumes in.

And when it comes to not consuming gossip, there are two ways to do this:

You can either plug your ears or make like a banana and split when someone else starts to gossip.

I recommend the latter.

It’s significantly less obnoxious.

Option 2: “Cough a la The Heimlich”

This option is not for the faint of heart.

Because, in essence, what you are doing is calling attention to the fact that something not good is happening–be it smoking or gossiping.

However, while smoking is pretty much universally recognized as a no-no–I mean, good grief! The packaging has a skull and crossbones on it–gossiping is not so taboo.

As such, outright shaming people for partaking will probably do more harm than good.

HOWEVER!

There are diplomatic ways to communicate that you don’t agree with gossiping.

Case in point:

My freshmen year of high school, myself and three other friends were talking in my dorm room when one of the girls suddenly stood up and said,

“Guys, I think we’re gossiping right now, and I really don’t feel comfortable participating in this. I think I need to leave.”

She left, and we all stared after her in stunned silence.

In effect, she’d both coughed and held her breath, and to this day, I still remember the feeling of embarrassment that remained in the room.

It was incredibly powerful.

Friends, I’m of the opinion that if you can change the room, you can change the world, so please consider reducing your gossiping footprint.

You never know how much your one, seemingly insignificant commitment to do or say something different might impact those around you.

I promise it does and will make a difference.

And for those of you who disagree,

If you think you and your commitment are too small to make a difference,

You’ve clearly never slept in a room with a mosquito.

P.S. I really am trying to build my readership here, so if you can subscribe and share, I would really, really appreciate it!